And so despite all my careful words, despite all my supposed armor - my "knight-in-shining whatever-turned-demon" is back in my life, this time as a seemingly humble prince. I know what your thinking, I'm going to get hurt. That may be true. At least that's what my head keeps saying. However, whenever he's in my presence, my head is decidedly absent and instead all my decisions are motivated by my fumbling little heart. Why would I weaken myself to his whims, yet again? Let us begin...
I thought I had cut him out of my life. I thought I could be strong and say no forever. Until he came into my work. His useless meanderings were sad, but I knew deep down that he was trying. I know that means very little, especially considering everything he put me through. Still in his eyes were a deep regret that was reaching out to me asking Norah's relentless question, "it's not too late"? All these things aside, in that moment, the moment when he appeared at my work and thus reappeared in my life, I was made more upset, irrated even, at the sudden and public nature of it.
The following day he askes why I won't be attending an event he's hosting. "I can't" I say, "We are no longer friends." His surprise at something I considered so obvious didn't take me aback. We've had these kinds of misunderstandings before. But honestly, I think it's partially my fault for not airing my grivances. A brief yet painful conversation ensues. He calls. "Can I see you?"
Days go by, and I try not to think about him at all, which is really a futile exercise since I've become utterly consumed by both the furry of our argument and my tempering passion for him. He calls and says he wants to put things right. I consider his offer and in the spirit of forgiveness I open up my mind and my schedule.
For a while it's like everything is fine, except that there is this giant awkward space between us. A wall even where no one dares traverse. It is filled with awkward phrases like "sorry" "didn't mean to" when that space is broken. It's painful to be in this thick dense space.
And then an honest apology spills from his lips. His eyes cloud over with sadness as he says, "I wish you didn't hate me." I feel hazy, weak, as I look into his heavy hazel eyes I know he's being sincer. This time I'm not projecting my feelings onto him. This time he means it. I open my arms and I accept his apology and him back into my life.
Where am I now? Closer than I thought I would be to something real, but I'm still unable to let go of my other suitors because of the fear of admitting what that would make him mean to me. And potentially facing a fear, that he means more to me than I mean to him. And yet, I don't know that. Things have been going very well lately.
Perhaps its's a very poor decision to entrust my body, my heart, my mind to him again. But don't butterflies mean anything? Doesn't the feeling of wholeness when I sink into his arms count for something? I find that I'm lost in moments with him. For all those reasons and so many more, it's wonderful to be around him again.
And so while everyone gets all in a huff over this and the many other poor decisions I've been making these days, let me just say I'm following my own rhythm - mine just happens to be the pitter patter of my heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment