the reschedule revolving door

I've been away. I've been in love. But at home it seems like everything I've been running away from has been nipping at my heels, trying to catch up with me. Even if I try to live life in this paradise mind frame with my new "no worries" attitude, every time I look over my shoulder, my vices, and my exes, are gaining on me.

It's strange how so much of you can change when your away, but everything else stands so still, nagging at you the moment you arrive, testing the endurance of your new found enlightened self. For me, those tests came in several varieties, most recent of which, was the obligatory "catch up" with my London Boy.

I had been dreading (and secretly anticipating) this reunion before my return as messages of the facebook and text message variety flooded my various inboxes. And although my heart is spoken for, my curiosity was not. Had he changed? Was he still in love with me? As he was ever the dramatist, I couldn't help what beyond romantic escapade awaited me, even if for propriety sake, it needed to be declined.

I found myself swept up in a wind whirl of engagements as soon as I got home, but when my London Boy finally called to set up a day I was outwardly torn (is it proper to go?) and inwardly ecstatic (finally I'll know what he's been thinking!). The day came and went without acknowledgment (on his end) until a few days later, when a phone call with a profuse apology followed, "Can we please reschedule?"

Ever the optimist, I rescheduled. But to enrage my fury, the next set day came and went without pause. A few days later, "I guess we both forgot," his text message swooned. (I did not though I did mark it in pencil), "Can we please reschedule for next Tuesday, no more rain cheques." I begrudgingly agreed. I was starting to lose my curiousness and instead start measuring up this behaviour to the kiwi who has my heart and never missed a date or a long distance phone call.

Tuesday, at 5pm, I get a text message, "I have some classic bad news. I'm afraid I have to abort our plans. I'm sorry. [enter lame excuse about work] I've been looking forward to this for some time. Can we please reschedule?" Here we are in the same area code and the boy can't keep a date if his life depended on it, meanwhile, my kiwi always finds a way to tell me he loves me, despite the 5,000 Km and useless cellphone carriers that keep us under lock and contract. My curiosity abated, I step out of the useless reschedule revolving door with my reply, "It's okay. We don't have to, it never seems to be the right time."

april showers may bring sydney lovers

My wonderful boyfriend is thinking. He's thinking of ways that he can keep seeing me. He's thinking he has to go to London, that it's something he MUST do, for himself. He's thinking he might go to the USA next year for a road trip. He's thinking he might end the trip in Canada in April to live and work.

I'm thinking, I have such a wonderful boyfriend. I hope he does come to Canada in April so that we can continue this beautiful affair. I'm thinking it's going to be hard to be away, but I know if it's meant to be, he'll come back to me.

at least now I know

In about a month my wonderful boyfriend will be leaving me when he moves to London, which appears to be the repository for my loves. I hate the thought of it because I can’t help but think that if he wasn’t leaving, this wonderful little affair wouldn’t be ending.

It’s going to be hard to let him go because things with us have always been so easy. He has really made me understand what it should be like to be in a relationship with someone who truly loves you.

Part of me really wants to hold on to this and to never let it go. But another part of me realizes that as much as I want to make it work, I love him enough to know that he needs to do these things and that means being mature enough to let him walk away.

So, in a month my favourite person will be moving away and as this all unravels I’m going to be a wreck, but at least I know that I will never accept anything less in a relationship than the kind of love this wonderful guy has shown me. He’s made a way for this confused place to feel like home. I’m so grateful to have met him and if nothing else comes of this, at least I’ll know what it should like to be loved.